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I thought I couldn’t, but I knew it might be difficult but not impossible. I lay in bed all day and all night. I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t pray. It was getting tougher. If I closed my eyes I would dream of emptiness. If I opened my eyes, I would see emptiness. It definitely was not going to be easy.

There was absolutely no reason for it. I had recently moved to a new city, all alone trying to adjust to the new life and new work. My body and mind probably needed more time to adjust to these new changes.

I had to take the first step. I had to do this. I had to kill it, before it killed me. I put my leg down the bed, dragged myself to the window and opened the curtains. After a long time, my room saw sunlight. This was the first step towards light.

My friends knew I was alive. I avoided them. But that was OK, I was still trying hard to keep my spirit alive. They knew and they appreciated it. They supported me. They gave me all the time, I wanted.

I dusted the furniture around. Cleared the clutter in the room, in me. I felt a small change inside me. A small candle of hope lit in me. This candle’s rays would show me the light down the path.

Next day I woke up a little early. I made myself a drink of lemon and honey first thing in the morning. I took a good hot bath and wore a neat dress.I looked at myself in the mirror, that person, looked much better. Recovering.

I sat on my knees, next to my bed and prayed. Prayed for strength. It was not going to be easy. I picked the first piece of myself which broke apart. I had to rebuild myself. No matter how many I times I fell, I had to rebuild. I assured myself I am strong.

I started eating well. I practiced yoga. I started looking good again. In fact better than before. Like never before. It was time for the next step. I opened my laptop and applied for the job, I always wanted. The application was accepted. They called me for the interview. I didn’t get through and came home.

I was not disappointed. I handled it. I was confident, I would make it through the next time. I was standing in the same room, where I was choking to death some days ago. I was happy. I made it through. I did not achieve anything but I had myself back again.

That’s how I fought my depression all by myself, and somewhere behind the closed doors, I found myself.

Love,
Annie

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